-*- Thoughts -*-I don't know where my life is going right now... I feel so lost and confused about many things... I haven't had a single thought in a long time...
I feel like everytime I look at a mirror that there's no one there... Just an empty shell of a person that used to be me... Someone who had everything they could ever want... even if their world was upside down...
I pushed all my friends away... I pushed Jason away... I think the only person that even bothers talking to me because he's my brother is Kai... sounds so wrong...
I tried texting and calling some of my friends and I guess they never got them... I'm afraid to talk to my closest friends because I fucked up big time...
What do I tell them? What do I wanna say to them? After being gone for such a long time, fighting with my inner demons, I really can't just show up and say "Hey, sorry, I was fighting imaginary demons and my self's desire to cut my wrists again. Can I come and hang out?" Yeah... I really can't say that... I made a promise not to do it again... And then here I am having the urge to whip out my trusted Razors and go to town... Paint myself red....
Zoe... Hm... I miss her and at the same time, I'm scared FOR her... I texted her and tried to call her once... But no answer so I hanged up and didn't leave a message.... I wonder when she's gonna start talking to me again... o.o;;
Ice-Chan is having the greatest time of her life... I am so proud of her and so happy for her... And emailing her/calling her/texting her would simply just be a nuisance...
V... V is the only one who still tries to talk to me... Email/Myspace/Whatever else... I don't know why... I know I'll just destroy her and push her away...
I think it has gotten to that point where I fucked up my life so bad that... no one really wants to try and talk to me no more... Not until I got "better" and do things for myself... And you know what? As much as I want to, I... really don't know where to go... What to do... I should have listened to the others when they said I need to stand on my two legs... And I am trying so hard to do that... Its just really cold and I feel really alone whenever there are times in my life where I want to look back, garnering some kind of support for my friends, and there's... no one there... I guess I burned out my chances for a bit...
I'm just so frustrated with myself because I can do this... I can battle my demons, fight my darkest desires, balance work, set a good example for my brother, be a great friend, be a great gaurdian, to save the fucking world, be a good daughter... But it seems that I am so self centered right now about this little abyss that is surrounding me that I tend to lose focus on what I want... On what I need... On what I wanna accomplish... And it's so sad that I think losing focus has destroyed my whole chances to ever mend any broken bridges...
So it looks like I have to start from ground up... Mend my self and my soul... And once I accomplish that, start working on those around me... Start trying to get my life back in order... I guess it was silly of me to think that I can shortcut it and stop at a certain point and then start new from there... And I guess it was kinda stupid to think that I need to work from the outside to the In... Well that didn't work because the problem was with *in* aka with me...
I know it's going to be a long road... A tough road... The kind that makes me bleed from the inside out... And I have been there... The memories won't let me forget... And no matter how much I want my friends to be there to support me, they can't... No one can enter my mind and read my thoughts...
So I have to do this cold turkey style...
It's okay... I rather do it that way than spend the rest of my life with out those that I love and value the most... it hurts to ever think for a second that I will be getting older and I have no one there to share my joys, my pains, my laughter, my sadness, my everything, you know? So... I better work hard for this... And work it good...
Note To My Friends:
I Am Sorry That I Have Been Alienating You. I Am Sorry That I Couldn't Be A Better Friend. I Am Sorry For Hurting You All. But Please, Bare With Me A Little Longer. I Obviously Have A Lot Of Work To Do To Mend Myself Whole.
Akiima, I Will Start Trying To Go To Meetings... I Just Hope You Don't Hate Me That Much That You Refuse To Let Me Come Over o.o As For The Others... I Am Pretty Sure They Dislike Me Right Now Due To My Absences... It's Alright... No One Said The Path To Self Discovery Was Going To Be Easy...
Anyways, Thank you, Diary, for letting me vent out... Even just a little of my inner most thoughts.
And Zoe, thanx... Thanx for messaging me about one of my entries and making me realize (just now also) that... Yeah, life is too short for stupid stuph. I lost my chances with Jason. But it did give me a chance to think and evaluate my life...
I don't really need him to survive... I use to think I did... But it would be awesome to have him as a friend... I have known him for so long... I don't think I can live a good life without him being there on the corner glaring at me for making a crack at him... xD
So, once again, my fear friends, Thank you. And Adieu.
-A'Vriil
