As you all know, I recently went through a rough time in my life. And my memory is still not stable enough. Chances are, I know some of you on here. Maybe even a sister or a brother somewhere in here...

But I really don't have memories yet... I know bits and pieces of here and there and my brother was kind enough to explain some things here and there so I am not completely lost.

With that said, I am not sure who I am at the moment. They tell me I am A'Vriil aka AthenaNekoAstraea on here... But I have yet to remember much about myself. And they tell me all these wonderful things that I do and all these things. But I really don't remember.

So... Please, be patient with me.

And thank you all for the wonderful emails.

Domo Arigato. Sayonara.

- Unknown

By the time you all read this, I would have long left this Earthly realm. I'd be somewhere between heaven, hell, eternity.

I don't condone suicide yet I feel that it is my only option, considering everything failed in my attempt to find help:

> Self Mutilation
> Friends
> Family
> Professional Help
> Anti-Depressant

Too much has happened in the past few days and I truly believe that I can no longer sit here and control my demons.

For once, they have won.

Loving someone shouldn't be *this* painful.

Caring for someone shouldn't be *this* hard.

Being everyone's rock, tether, their tool to keep escaping insanity... That is me. I played the role so well that it became me. Yet... no one seems to be ther when I need a rock, tether, tool to keep escaping insanity...

Silly me...

I was just a nobody...

I wish you all the best of luck in life... I love you all...

Lately, I have been feeling jealous and angry at my brother because he has something that I want... Bestfriends... It's stupid really to have to feel jealous and angry at a person just because they have something you have been craving for since you were little...

Up until recently, I never doubted my ability to make friends... Never once cared for them... Never once cared if I HAD a friend... Much less a bestfriend forever thing... And I never thought I would be *THIS* hurt at the mere fact that I allowed my once so-called "friends" to come close enough to inflict that kind of hurt to me... Especially after all the successful attempts of long-gone friends before them...

I've watched, memorized, and loved so many faces in my life, thinking "Hey! I have a friend in you..." or "you". Being so naive to think that just because they smiled and spoke to me, doesn't mean that they are my friends or that they gave a damn about me!

Maybe some did. Maybe some *DID* care... and gave a damn about me... But they sure aint here now to speak to me... To give a damn about me... To *listen* to me... That's all I want... Someone to be there for me... Someone I can talk to... Someone who will just sit there and listen...

They don't have to give a shit... They don't have to care... Hell... They don't even have to LIKE me... They just have to pretend they like me or they give a damn or whatever... Because frankly, at this point in my life... I don't care anymore...

So... why am I crying tho...? So why am I longing about this...? So why am I *THIS* goddamn hurt about this...? About being alone...? About being friendless...?

It's because my love was used and abused. My trust was betrayed by those closest to me... And I can't do jack shit about it because I would *NEVER* hurt, use, abuse, or betray ANY of them...

1) What was your first Pokemon game?

I believe it was Pokemon Blue

2) Can you remember who your starter was? If so, who?

Charmander! Char! (Fire types are my fave)

3) Did you ever complete the Pokedex in any games? Which one(s)?

I did on... Gold

4) Did you watch the Pokemon anime? Who was your favourite character?

Yes, I watched the very first season WAY before it was popular and it caught on... And my fave chara will always be the VERY first pokemon I saw... Charmander. I was channel surfing and I flipped to pokemon (before anyone knew it was out) and they were like "WHO'S THAT POKEMON?!" And there he is! CHARMANDER!!!

5) Do you still watch the anime?

After the first season... I stopped

6) What's your favourite Pokemon type? Explain.

Fire types. Why? Because I am a pyromaniac

7) Who's your favourite Pokemon? Explain.

Charmander. Because the episode on how Ash got him? That hit home... I know how it feels to be lost, left alone, abandoned.

8) Which Pokemon do you dislike the most? Explain.

Pikachu. Because my mom liked him xD

9) Which is your favourite region? Explain.

Kanto. It's where it all began

10) Which is your favourite Pokemon series (ie, Kanto 1-151, Johto 152-251, Hoenn 252-358, others)? Explain.

Kanto... I don't know why...

11) Can you say a series Pokedex, without a reference, in order?

Nope

12) Do you know all the type advantages, disadvantages and all the super-effective moves for each type?

Yep

13) Did you prefer Pokemon before the new ones, or after?

Before the new ones

14) Have you got an Original Character who is a trainer?

Nope

15) Have you ever wrote a fanfiction story about Pokemon?

Nope

16) Was the OC based on yourself?

Didn't I say I have no OC?

17) Who is your favourite gym leader?

Brock

18) What about Elite Four trainer?

The one who owned the Arcanine

19) If you lived in the Pokemon world, who would you starter be? (Please choose out of the normal starters, excluding Pikachu and Eevee).

Charmander

20) Which city would you live in before you started your journey? Why?

Hm... Lavender Town because I like ghost pokemons too

21) Would you travel just in the one region, or spread to other places?

Depends on how I feel that day xD

22) Would you train just one type, or different ones?

Who said anything about training?

23) What kind of Poke-Person would you be? Trainer? Breeder? Gym leader?

Breeder

24) Would you collect gym badges? Or keep Pokemon as pets?

Pets... But teach them a thing or two so they can defend themselves

25) Who is your ultimate two-on-two team? Explain.

None... Maybe Except... Mew and Celebi

As most people know, I play this MMORPG known as MapleStory. I own a guild there with 18 members in them (excluding myself). The guild's name is DragonReign. We play in Khaini world. In the gMS version (American Version). [link] is the site and click on the MS Banner.

So being a guild mistress is hard work that is why I have 5 Doragons (Jr. Masters) working for me and WITH me... I know, I am hella active in the guild. More so than my members xD

Anyways, I am currently drawing the Guild Emblem... I mean we have an IN GAME emblem... But I mean like a Guild Emblem that we can post in myspace and the guild site and the guild forum...

After I finish it, I will post it up here and all that good stuph. Then maybe I can start doing some photography, drawing, and poetry/stories again.

Its not that I am slacking off and all that. It's just that my stories are all about... bluntly put, sm3x. That's it. I get requests from my friends so I write them the stories (real and anime) to their liking and most of time it has sm3x from front to back, start to end... So I can't post it here.

Not to mention life is hectic at the moment... But I am managing...

So I also took up photography... I mean... I worked as a Photo Lab Tech for almost a year... I am BOUND to take up photography... And I have written like... 3 to 4 poetry in the past month or so... I just haven't put it up yet... I don't really draw anymore unless something hits me that I like... so...

Anything else going on? Um... No... Not really... Just... About to start a new job and trying to get adjusted to it... And trying to go back to college the right way and taking the right course... I haven't played VGs in like... MONTHS... Trying to keep the friends that I have now...

Um... I am boyfriend-less because of a bad BAD break up with my last one... Darn... Really though he was the one... We already knew we wanted to be together forever and have kids and get married and all that about 1 year into the relationship... But hey... after 8 years... We just... We broke up because we fought too much and he said somethings and I said some things that wasn't going to be easily forgotten... No matter HOW MUCH he apologizes... Altho he did try to talk to me about two days ago and said he wanted a second chance... And I told him, I can't... I am in the beginning stages of building my life... Of finding myself... I already have too much to do and so much more to accomplish... Having to add "relationship" in my plans would be too much for me and I would break once more... He understands that we can only be friends right now... He's there for me and he wants to support me... So I guess it can't be that bad if I decide to let him linger around the edges... right? I hope I am right...

And just basically... Trying to juggle life... I never knew it could ever be this hectic or hurtful... But I am slowly (but surely) making some kind of progress... Somewhere down the road, I will have a stable life where I can balance everything... Like... do 20,000 things in one day and still have a complete 8 hours sleep at the end of the day thing...

Someday, right?